Frustration And How Its Killing Me

Have you ever experienced feeling so frustrated that you believe the only way out of your inconsolable grief is to give up?

I don’t know what’s happening to me but my performance in my PE class and Engg Cup games is making me feel incompetent and undeserving to even be inside the court. I’m losing my patience with MYSELF and being frustrated is pulling me down.

(anyway, For other athletes out there, try a pulse oximeter)

I was so depressed today that I cleaned my room, waxed the floor and even scrubbed and cleaned the bathroom. I’ve lost appetite and even though I haven’t eaten anything the whole day, the pang of hunger is incomparable to the feeling of losing my self confidence.

Stressed. That’s what I am right now.

on Giving Up

Give up something when its becoming a burden already.

When you can’t do the things you’re supposed to do because you’re too stressed out.

When thinking about something would make you lose your mind.

 Your schedule doesn’t seem to fit with everything.

Time is of the essence, and every minute counts.

Its when you start wishing you didn’t take it, knowing how much you’re going to risk in the first place. 

Its when you feel everything’s hopeless and not giving it up would make you fail everything else.

Yes. I’m giving up DOSE. I don’t have the ability and the smartness to take it up together with TRESE. If i don’t drop it, ill fail both subjects and it might pull down my other majors as well. 

click for medical travel Mexico

Expensive Therapy

The way I cope with my depression’s not good.

 It leaves my wallet and my bank account empty. Yes… I’ve been shopping and pampering myself lately.

I can spend a thousand bucks or more in less than an hour. I know that’s really not too much, but I’m just not used to spending too much on clothes or for myself. I’ve been shopping every other week, buying new clothes or just spending money on comfort food. I treated myself to a facial (which was really painful and left my face red and sore) and bought a set of clothes that were on sale at Folded and Hung. It was worth it naman, since I rarely indulge myself with these luxuries. I’m planning to buy a new pair of Havs, but I can’t afford that right now. (huhu. Damn those kids who stole my slippers!)

I’m starting to be a shopaholic — an expensive therapy that’s been leaving a BIG hole on my already empty wallet.

Another Gloomy Post

I decided not to go to the movie date with clubbers last night, so I asked my orgmate for a refund. When he asked me why I was canceling, I simply told him I just didn’t feel like going out. He told me, “Okay lang yan. Baka hindi ka lang talaga masaya kaya ayaw mo sumama.” It was a HARD, bitch slap on the face and I was speechless but I still managed to give him a weak smile.

It’s true. I’ve been unhappy this past few days and I try to cover it up by finding things to do to keep me preoccupied. I’m trying to push unhappy thoughts to the back of my mind so that I can move on with my life… Every moment of tranquility is treasured.

I don’t want to be a nuisance to my friends — I don’t want to pester them with my problems knowing that they have their own issues to think of. Still, I wish they would be a wee bit more sensitive. You know. Where they can figure out that something’s bothering me even when I don’t tell them.

So there’s my unhappy life. Hurrah for misery! Hurrah for the extra pounds that I managed to shed.

I wish I could find something happy to blog about. I’m sorry guys for the gloomy blog posts recently. Will write happy thoughts as soon as I recover from this. =)

Should, could, would

 It’s one of those few moments where you’re not really sure how you’re supposed to react to the situation. It’s one of those times when you’re thinking of a person, and suddenly you see him walking towards your direction. And after that short, unexpected encounter, you feel like slapping yourself for ignoring him.

I shouldn’t have pretended that I saw him.

I shouldn’t have concentrated on looking at the wet pavement when I saw him coming.

I shouldn’t have waited for him to call my name for me to look up.

I shouldn’t have just given him a lame, plastic smile and a small wave to acknowledge him.

But can you really blame me for acting that way?

The last time I saw him was a month ago and he stopped texting me three weeks ago. No communication at all. He hasn’t sent me any IM in my YM account, hasn’t checked my multiply account, and I’m sure he has stopped reading my blog too.

I know he was surprised to see me too. And I must admit that it really felt good when he called my name.

So now I regret not showing him how ecstatic I really was to see him. I should have smiled at him or I should have at least looked at him in the eye.

Should have. Could have. Would have. I guess that’s how everything would be now.

Its Complicated

‘Don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone…’

It’s complicated.

I want him back, but he made up his mind — ‘Being friends is what’s best for us’, he said. I want him back, but I don’t know where to start. I am willing to risk everything just to make him mine.

I had him, I lost him. It was my fault, I know. I would do everything to undo that mistake, if he would only let me. But if he still thinks that being friends is the best way to avoid the complications and consequences of loving me would bring him… then let it be. I can’t always have it my way, can I?

It got me into thinking — how could I say I lost him, if in the first place I NEVER REALLY HAD HIM? Depressing isn’t it? I ALMOST had him, but lost him because of my stupidity and indecisiveness. I want him back. Too bad I can’t do anything to make him change his mind.

Christmas Eve

When I was a kid, I looked forward to Christmas. Waiting for the clock to strike 12 was torture, and my parents making me go to sleep before 12 made it even worse. They would convince me to go to sleep by making me believe that Santa Claus won’t drop by our house to fill my sock with candies and money. Being the gullible child that I am, I would close my eyes and force myself to go to sleep.

Every Christmas eve, I was always giddy and excited to open the presents underneath the Christmas tree. I would eat and swallow my food as fast as I could so that I could open my gifts. I can still remember how I loved the smell of new toys and books. I would immediately play with my new toys and won’t go to sleep until the wee hours of the morning.

As I grew older, I got tired of the Santa Claus scheme my parents used against me. I preferred clothes and shoes over childish things like toys. I still look forward to Christmas and Noche Buena, but the giddiness and excitement lessened.

Tonight is Christmas Eve, and in less than 3 hours, the clock will strike 12. I feel like today is just an ordinary day — nothing special. The mall is packed with late-shoppers (like me) and the road is jam-packed with cars and pedestrians. As I was going home from buying a gift for my mother, I thought, ‘is Christmas supposed to be like this as you grow older?’ No jacket could warm the coldness I was feeling inside. I am still figuring out what is wrong with me. Why can’t I enjoy the festivities like other people do?

I am wishing for my next Christmas to be just like when I was a kid. I wish to feel the same excitement I used to feel back then … Not the coldness and emptiness I’m feeling right now.

REGRET part I

I still regret shifting to another course. I still doubt if I have a future in Metallurgical Engineering. When people find out that I came from Industrial Engineering, they would tell me that they think that there are more opportunities for industrial engineers than for metallurgical engineers.

Did I make the right decision of giving up and shifting to another course? Is despair my reason for choosing another engineering course?

What did I do for my life to be f*cked up like this?

I wish I could have given more attention to my academics. I wish I could have set aside more time for studying. I wish I could have had perfect attendance on all my subjects. … And I wish I could have chosen a course not related to numbers and computations.

Until now I think that Engineering is unsuitable for me and it really is not of my interest. I have chosen to stay because of pride. I could have shifted out during my second year if only I have known that staying would lead to problems like this.

When will I find my love story?

The difference between frustration and failure

What’s the difference between frustration and failure?

Frustration is when you feel you’ve done everything, but still you fail.

Failure is when you know you’ve done your best, but still it ain’t enough.

kung paaasahin mo lang ako

Kung paaasahin mo lang ako, pwedeng wag na lang? Layuan mo na lang ako, tas ikaw iiwasan ko. Ayoko ng gulo, ayoko ng komplikasyon. Sinusubukan kong ayusin ang buhay ko ng wala ka, pero bakit ngayon bumabalik ka para guluhin ulit ang mundo kong humiwalay na sa iyo?

Huwag mong hayaang tuluyan akong mahulog ulit sa iyo, kung ang intensiyon mo ay saktan lang ulet ako. Mahirap magpagaling sa sugat na alam kong matagal bago humilom. Kung may kailangan ka sa akin, sabihin mo lang. Huwag mo daanin sa patweetums at pagiging sweet mo sa akin. Kung may papagawa ka sa akin, sabihin mo na agad. Hindi yung hinahanap hanap mo ako, na parang sabik na sabik kang makita ako.

Kung paaasahin mo lang ako, sabihin mo na agad… Hindi yung inaantay mong tumulo ulet ang mga luha ko at magmukha na naman akong tanga. Hindi ako manika para paglaruan mo lang. Hindi laro tulad ng basketball ang emosyon ko kaya huwag mo itong pagkatuwaan. Sa bagay, sinasabi mo nga naman sakin na magaling ka sa larong basketball. Magaling kang humawak ng bola. Oo. Magaling ka nga. At nasabi ko na ba sayo na magaing kang mang bola?

Kung iiwan mo lang din ako, ngayon pa lang huwag mo na akong hanap-hanapin pa. Baka masanay pa ako na lagi kang andiyan sa tabi ko, hanapin pa kita pag nawala ka. Mahirap na. Dahil ayaw ko maghanap sa mga taong alam kong hindi naman darating. Kung nagawa mong iwanan ako noon, bakit mo nga naman hindi kayang gawin yun ngayon? Hindi nga ba’t mas madali ng gawin ang mga bagay na nasubukan at nagawa mo na? Dapat bang hintayin ko na naman na sabihin mo sakin na hindi ako ang taong karapat-dapat sayo at hindi mo nakikita sarili mong tumanda kasama ako?

May mga bagay na hindi dapat itinatanong. Dahil minsan, nakakatakot marinig ang sagot sa mga ‘to. Madami akong gustong itanong sa’yo. Kaso natatakot ako sa kung ano ang isasagot mo. Kaya pwede? Ikaw na ang manguna. Ipaliwanag mo sa akin ang mga bagay na gusto ko malaman. Promise. Pipilitin ko ang sarili ko na hindi umiyak para maipakita ko sa’yo na hindi mo na ako kayang maapektuhan.

Kung paaasahin mo lang ako, pwedeng wag na lang? Ako na ang lalayo para hindi na tayo mahirapan. Kung sasaktan mo lang din ako, pakisabi na agad, para sa bandang huli, hindi na ako magulat.

JULY 18 - a promising day

  Today is July 18… If things and events were any different,. i would probably be excited and sooooo happy today..     Anyway.. I don’t have class today and i promised myself i will study for my exams next week. I have too many backreadings, reaction papers, powerpoint presentation and problems to solve for statics and statistics. HAGGARD? Tell me about it…

    1/2= FULFILLED/MASAYA
    1/4 = depressed(minsan)
    1/4 = STRESSED

Dead or Alive

i feel alive, yet i feel dead at the same time…
i am soooo uninspired.
i don’t feel like doing anything. not even studying.
i just want to sleep and rest and block all the thoughts that enters my mind..

i wish a speeding car would hit me and leave me dead on the spot.
things will be much easier if that happens.

keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

 I feel so helpless …

I thought that i was already winning from a battle that i have tried so hard to survive. I thought that i was okay and i can manage life without him. BUT NO.. I was wrong..

Being friends with him is so hard pala. Now i believe people when they say that its hard to be friends with your ex. Lalo na pag clsoe pa din kayo.  Actually i have already accepted the fact na break na kami. But what i can’t accept is, nakikipagdate na siya sa iba.. Sadness… And i don’t like the girl that he’s dating now. (as if naman mei karapatan pa ko diba?) hehehe..

Eniwei.. Im just so f*cking depressed because last weekend, i thought i was really over him.. haaay..

Running out of tears

    Nobody but I could really understand the confusion that i’m going through right now. I’m in between holding on to something that i know really isn’t for me,. and letting go of something that will only cause me unending emotional pain and torture. Everbody’s giving me advices on how to move on and what i should and should not do. But they can’t fully comprehend the hullabaloo that’s been going on in my mind lately.

    I really don’t know what to do right now. I sometimes wakeup in the middle of the night cryin. I wake up in the morning and the first thing that I can think of is:

  "I can’t do this. I’m not yet ready to move on. "

     But then as the day passes by, I would stop what i’m doing and realize,

    "I am decided to move on. "

    This could go on for days and days like an unending cycle. In geometry, it is like a line that could go on and on without you knowing when or where it would end.

    Whenever i cry, I always cry my heart out telling myself, "This is the last time I’m going to shed tears. So why not shed it all, right?" This therapy would help me for a few days and then i would cry again for the same stupid reasons i can’t get over with.

    What should i do is a rhetorical question that people around me try their best to answer. But they are only doing it in vain because they know that no matter how hard they try to persuade me to do things for my own welfare, I would still go on my path leading to more emotional pain, thus leading me to another day of misery.

    I know i am the only one who could really answer my own question. What they are giving me are guidelines to the answer to a puzzle that i’ve been laboriously trying to figure out.

    One day i will wake up in the morning, not crying but rather smiling, because i finally found the answer to the question that i keep on asking myself. Now, I’m just hoping that day would soon come because sadly, i am running out of tears to shed. 

it made me realize…

He’s finally here. But he didn’t bring my bag.

I am hungry. Im starving.

I asked him where my bag is but he just shrugged and said that he forgot to bring it.  He apologized for forgetting to bring my bag.  I told him that my lunch was there and i was really really hungry already. I haven’t eaten yet.

he just asked me, "ba’t hindi ka pa naglulunch?"

I really felt like crying then. I tend to get so emotional when im hungry.

When he went for his class, i cried. I really cried and i just can’t stop crying.

What hurt the most was that he made me feel that the fact that i wasn’t able to eat lunch because of him, was lke no bearing for him. 

I cried in the library, in front of the xerox lady, in front of everybody. I wanted to stop because it was really embarassing but i don’t know why i can’t.  I just cried my heart out.

It just made me realize more that i don’t want him back. I DON’T WANT HIM BACK. 

losing someone hurts

i never expected i would react that way…

seeing him lying there… in a deep slumber.

he was still healthy the last time i saw him. Given that he had malfunctioning kidneys, had 4 kidney transplants already and innumerable dialysis, we were all expecting na may taning na buhay nia., but, bat parang ang bilis? he was only 19. too young to die.

i never really became close to him. Third did. They played playstation together and had ‘guy talks’. I rarely see him. Yes, we spent some Christmases and New Years together. But i never really had an attachment with him. gets? He even spent summers in our house but i never really talked to him..

We didn’t tell Third the truth. He was too young back then to understand. All he knew was JC was our cousin. But i guess nagets din niya na JC is our brother. Half-brother.

When my father texted me last monday morning to tell me that JC has already passed away, i felt…. NOTHING.. nothing.. I was not close to him.. and i didn’t even treat him as my brother. So why should i cry? I didn’t even have any plans in going to Naga for his wake. But i had to. "Kapatid mo siya." my relatives kept on telling me. I went there. Just for the sake of going there.

But when i finally saw his coffin and a picture of him smiling, i was on the verge of tears. But i didn’t want them to see me crying. My sister was already crying and i felt like crying too but i didn’t want my grandmother to see me in an emotional state.

Masakit pala mawalan ng kapatid. Kahit na hindi man kami naging close, or reallt talked, masakit pa din.

his kidneys has stopped malfunctioning at the age of 5. Since then, he’s going in and out of the hospital for treatments and operations. I remember that his fluid intake was measured (2 or 3 liters lang per day) and he wasn’t allowed to eat junk foods and drink softdrinks like normal kids do. But i guess he still lived a normal life.

He had 4 kidney transplants and then regular dialysis after that. (his body wouldn’t accept transplants anymore).He was then allowed to eat everything he wants to eat and do everything he wants to do. Live his life to the fullest. But just last week, his body gave up.. Just like that. He had seizures and the only thing that kept him alive were machines and an oxygen tank. He couldn’t close his eyes (yes.. His eyes were wide open even while sleeping) nor could he speak. Monday, 5:20am, he stopped breathing.

19 years old. too young. He could have done so many things pa. Triumph over challenges and achieve great things pa. But i guess it was his time already and he was ready for that. He had already bid his farewell to his friends and family even before he was rushed to the hospital.

Guys… Please include in your prayers the soul of my brother who has passed away this monday lang. Thank you.

don’t ask questions

if you don’t want to get hurt….

dont ask questions…

if you don’t want to cry,

don’t ask questions.

if you don’t want to ruin your day,

don’t ask questions…

Sometimes, the truth hurts.. And its better if we’re blinded by lies, than to find out the truth and get our hearts broken in the process..