on giving up

feeling ko ang bobo ko…
ayoko na.

*hindi ang pagbagsak ang mahirap. kundi ang trying to tell your parents you failed. again.
disappointed na nga sila, lalo pang madidisappoint. haaay.

kung paaasahin mo lang ako

Kung paaasahin mo lang ako, pwedeng wag na lang? Layuan mo na lang ako, tas ikaw iiwasan ko. Ayoko ng gulo, ayoko ng komplikasyon. Sinusubukan kong ayusin ang buhay ko ng wala ka, pero bakit ngayon bumabalik ka para guluhin ulit ang mundo kong humiwalay na sa iyo?

Huwag mong hayaang tuluyan akong mahulog ulit sa iyo, kung ang intensiyon mo ay saktan lang ulet ako. Mahirap magpagaling sa sugat na alam kong matagal bago humilom. Kung may kailangan ka sa akin, sabihin mo lang. Huwag mo daanin sa patweetums at pagiging sweet mo sa akin. Kung may papagawa ka sa akin, sabihin mo na agad. Hindi yung hinahanap hanap mo ako, na parang sabik na sabik kang makita ako.

Kung paaasahin mo lang ako, sabihin mo na agad… Hindi yung inaantay mong tumulo ulet ang mga luha ko at magmukha na naman akong tanga. Hindi ako manika para paglaruan mo lang. Hindi laro tulad ng basketball ang emosyon ko kaya huwag mo itong pagkatuwaan. Sa bagay, sinasabi mo nga naman sakin na magaling ka sa larong basketball. Magaling kang humawak ng bola. Oo. Magaling ka nga. At nasabi ko na ba sayo na magaing kang mang bola?

Kung iiwan mo lang din ako, ngayon pa lang huwag mo na akong hanap-hanapin pa. Baka masanay pa ako na lagi kang andiyan sa tabi ko, hanapin pa kita pag nawala ka. Mahirap na. Dahil ayaw ko maghanap sa mga taong alam kong hindi naman darating. Kung nagawa mong iwanan ako noon, bakit mo nga naman hindi kayang gawin yun ngayon? Hindi nga ba’t mas madali ng gawin ang mga bagay na nasubukan at nagawa mo na? Dapat bang hintayin ko na naman na sabihin mo sakin na hindi ako ang taong karapat-dapat sayo at hindi mo nakikita sarili mong tumanda kasama ako?

May mga bagay na hindi dapat itinatanong. Dahil minsan, nakakatakot marinig ang sagot sa mga ‘to. Madami akong gustong itanong sa’yo. Kaso natatakot ako sa kung ano ang isasagot mo. Kaya pwede? Ikaw na ang manguna. Ipaliwanag mo sa akin ang mga bagay na gusto ko malaman. Promise. Pipilitin ko ang sarili ko na hindi umiyak para maipakita ko sa’yo na hindi mo na ako kayang maapektuhan.

Kung paaasahin mo lang ako, pwedeng wag na lang? Ako na ang lalayo para hindi na tayo mahirapan. Kung sasaktan mo lang din ako, pakisabi na agad, para sa bandang huli, hindi na ako magulat.

keeping my distance

I’m dealing with it perfectly well.

I have already decided that i really don’t want him back. Well, I am still torn between holding on and letting go but after giving ample time to weigh things, i realized that my heart now tells me that having him back won’t work. We’re ‘good friends’ now. But i admit, we can’t remain as friends as long as one or both of us hasn’t moved on yet because there will be expectations that cannot be met.

I don’t want him back. That simple. But my brain is arguing with my heart.

As Einstein said,

If your heart is telling one thing and your brain is saying otherwise,

Before deciding, you should consider which of them makes you more effective in deciding.

I know that i follow my heart more than i follow my brain. I am more emotional than logical.

I am going to keep my distance from now on.

getting over him

    This is the part that i hate most in break-ups; the process of MOVING ON.

You wake up in the morning feeling lousy and the first thing that comes across my mind is that he’s gone. It’s over. All the good and bad things that happened between you keep on playing repeatedly on your mind and sometimes, you just can’t help but cry knowing that all those moments won’t happen again.

    This is the reason why i promised myself not to commit to anyone after my first relationship failed. It took me a year and a half to completely move on. After that, I successfully avoided  commitments that were waiting to happen. I don’t what happened that madehim an exception to the rule that i have made myself.

    Now i ask myself, How long will it take for me to get over him? 

Running out of tears

    Nobody but I could really understand the confusion that i’m going through right now. I’m in between holding on to something that i know really isn’t for me,. and letting go of something that will only cause me unending emotional pain and torture. Everbody’s giving me advices on how to move on and what i should and should not do. But they can’t fully comprehend the hullabaloo that’s been going on in my mind lately.

    I really don’t know what to do right now. I sometimes wakeup in the middle of the night cryin. I wake up in the morning and the first thing that I can think of is:

  "I can’t do this. I’m not yet ready to move on. "

     But then as the day passes by, I would stop what i’m doing and realize,

    "I am decided to move on. "

    This could go on for days and days like an unending cycle. In geometry, it is like a line that could go on and on without you knowing when or where it would end.

    Whenever i cry, I always cry my heart out telling myself, "This is the last time I’m going to shed tears. So why not shed it all, right?" This therapy would help me for a few days and then i would cry again for the same stupid reasons i can’t get over with.

    What should i do is a rhetorical question that people around me try their best to answer. But they are only doing it in vain because they know that no matter how hard they try to persuade me to do things for my own welfare, I would still go on my path leading to more emotional pain, thus leading me to another day of misery.

    I know i am the only one who could really answer my own question. What they are giving me are guidelines to the answer to a puzzle that i’ve been laboriously trying to figure out.

    One day i will wake up in the morning, not crying but rather smiling, because i finally found the answer to the question that i keep on asking myself. Now, I’m just hoping that day would soon come because sadly, i am running out of tears to shed. 

would you rather…

*ive been staring at the screen for a long time already and i can’t think of anything to blog down.

*I can’t fully concentrate on studying ME63. I thought the exam would be on saturday.. But NO! It was rescheduled on Friday and i haven’t started studying yet! (dammet! panu ba malalaman kung alin ung Ql or ung Qh!!!!???)

*I’ve been depressed for since the year started. Especially when February kicked in. I had too many things running in my mind. (kahit hanggang sa pagtulog napapanaginipan ko) Good thing they are resolved one by one. And an assurance from him was all that i needed pala.

*Would you rather choose a person from your past whom you think you are falling for all over again OR choose the person who has shown love and patience (like nobody else did before) and whom you are with right now?  

*how would you know if you have chosen the right person?

*Regret.. The feeling i hate the most.Damn.

paranoia kills

this is one of those times when i wish i don’t think too much..

im in a state of paranoia..

the what if’s running across my mind kills….

i hate this feeling…

i am supposed to be studying for my two exams tomorrow..

but its hard for me to concentrate… i am thinking too much..

these ideas ar enot essential for me to pass tomorrow. they are not about differential equations nor about heat transfer and all that crap…

dammet..

im going back to studying again.

why am i feeling this way?

i don’t understand why i feel this way today…

its like all of he happiness inside me has been sucked by some unknown force or something…

in short.. depressed ako. hehehe…

di ko alam kung bakit..

gutom lang siguro…