losing someone hurts

i never expected i would react that way…

seeing him lying there… in a deep slumber.

he was still healthy the last time i saw him. Given that he had malfunctioning kidneys, had 4 kidney transplants already and innumerable dialysis, we were all expecting na may taning na buhay nia., but, bat parang ang bilis? he was only 19. too young to die.

i never really became close to him. Third did. They played playstation together and had ‘guy talks’. I rarely see him. Yes, we spent some Christmases and New Years together. But i never really had an attachment with him. gets? He even spent summers in our house but i never really talked to him..

We didn’t tell Third the truth. He was too young back then to understand. All he knew was JC was our cousin. But i guess nagets din niya na JC is our brother. Half-brother.

When my father texted me last monday morning to tell me that JC has already passed away, i felt…. NOTHING.. nothing.. I was not close to him.. and i didn’t even treat him as my brother. So why should i cry? I didn’t even have any plans in going to Naga for his wake. But i had to. "Kapatid mo siya." my relatives kept on telling me. I went there. Just for the sake of going there.

But when i finally saw his coffin and a picture of him smiling, i was on the verge of tears. But i didn’t want them to see me crying. My sister was already crying and i felt like crying too but i didn’t want my grandmother to see me in an emotional state.

Masakit pala mawalan ng kapatid. Kahit na hindi man kami naging close, or reallt talked, masakit pa din.

his kidneys has stopped malfunctioning at the age of 5. Since then, he’s going in and out of the hospital for treatments and operations. I remember that his fluid intake was measured (2 or 3 liters lang per day) and he wasn’t allowed to eat junk foods and drink softdrinks like normal kids do. But i guess he still lived a normal life.

He had 4 kidney transplants and then regular dialysis after that. (his body wouldn’t accept transplants anymore).He was then allowed to eat everything he wants to eat and do everything he wants to do. Live his life to the fullest. But just last week, his body gave up.. Just like that. He had seizures and the only thing that kept him alive were machines and an oxygen tank. He couldn’t close his eyes (yes.. His eyes were wide open even while sleeping) nor could he speak. Monday, 5:20am, he stopped breathing.

19 years old. too young. He could have done so many things pa. Triumph over challenges and achieve great things pa. But i guess it was his time already and he was ready for that. He had already bid his farewell to his friends and family even before he was rushed to the hospital.

Guys… Please include in your prayers the soul of my brother who has passed away this monday lang. Thank you.